Confusion

I feel claustrophobic inside...
I feel clogged up...
Drained out of everything good and sane.

My horoscope tells me to stay calm.
To stay focused and to ignore the little trivialities of life.

You must think this is a Goth's blog.
No , It isn't
Its probably an average 17 year old's.

Are we all like that?
Confused? flustered? tangled? perplexed?
You must be laughing on the irony displayed in the above question.
All synonyms of the same word.

SORROW LAND

The grey grass touches my knees
The darkness makes me stagger
I walk , Count my steps
Destitute , Estranged

I smell a rotting building
I look for a light
The narcotic seems to work
I fall down , Power drained

I look around myself
I am stuck in a city of zombies
Where hollow eyes stare
They speak of my alienity

Then I feel a touch
I turn around
Scared , Excited , Terrified , Panicked
I see a ray of light

I see your brilliant eyes
Not hollow , Not dark , Not empty
Just lonely
Rather solitary

You offer your hand
I hesitate, I look back
Then you hum a melody
I remember it , Distantly

I let go of my fears
I grasp your hand
You seem like a blessing
I am sure, I am sure of YOU

Years later I am standing
Here again
Feeling the same way
But you are still beside me

The grass is taller now
The rot still eminent
The black still alive
But we are still holding hands

You take a first step
I follow
We cross the land of sorrow,
Misery


We see no more of darkness
The devil is dead
The enemy defeated
The game , OVER

Losing hope...

Sometimes I might act clueless and sometimes I might get lost. That time I would want you to help me and find me. Sometimes I might try... really try. But that's just coz I don't wanna give up without a fight. But sometimes I doubt whether I fight to much , coz everything I do you make me feel like I am wrong , like its all always my fault. Its not always my fault , its not even yours but at times like these instead of going against me and leaving me alone just exactly when I need you to answer is not gonna help. Just tell me what to do. Coz all my right "attempts" are wrong for you and I have know idea what you mean by "right".If you want something , ASK for it.
I am tired of figuring out what you want. You know what I want and I know you can give it to me. We just need to start somewhere. Either start the end , or either end this stage of restlessness.

Cleaning My closet

So, Grade 11 is over. Grade 12 is here. I am around 4 days late on this "cleaning" thing.
I go to the cupboard and stare. It was messed. Really really messed. My relatives were gonna come so all the stuff on the table was picked up and thrown inside.Literally.But suddenly standing there and staring at all the papers and notebooks and textbooks and fat guide books and hotel management entrance exam books...I realised this was all going away. I mean sounds really philosophical right? Of course Its going away. What am I cribbing about? But today (10th march) is the day I really really felt that immensely great feeling of "growing up". Think about it.

All your life you looked up at 12ies. They were the big big people of the school. The ones who dominated the social hierarchy. The ones who you could not go and talk to. The ones who lorded over the others. The ones you looked up to. The ones you envied. The ones you wanted to be, you aspired to be like them... Your entire life you wanted to be THEM.

And now, you are FINALLY HERE. After 12 long years of waiting, you are finally there. Feeling the pressure? Nah! Its WAYYYYY over-hyped. I always fantasized about it. About the first day of 12th. And probably I even waited for it desperately through out 11th. But on 8th March I woke up. Got dressed, Went to school. I wore the same uniform. I went in the same van. I sat in a roomful of same people. The same teachers came to teach and I studied the same subjects. Heck, I even sat on the same bench in the same class with the same partner.

What fun?!
I felt the exact same way I felt yesterday, and the day before and the day before that.
I wondered to myself... Is this it? Is this all its supposed to be?
I felt like the long dream I had been seeing had FINALLY ended.
Schools not over yet. One big year to go. Last year to go.
Its nothing great. Over-hyped. I am probably gonna go through it with the same fervour I went through with my entire school life and once it gets over maybe I will get sad . Cry a few tears, perhaps. Look back and say "Ah! I will miss it."
Maybe.
I dont know for sure.

For now. I am fine. Just that. Period.

Get me outta Here

I hate this feeling of being locked up in a room with no escape. Its like being deaf when music is your life. Why is this happening ? This feels so wrong…This was not how it was supposed to go. Things were not supposed to change like this. I was supposed to write and change the world and change human thinking and do all of those unbelievable things we humans think we can do.


My future was supposed to be bright and glittering and sprinkled with millions of fairy lights. It was not supposed to be locked in this dark and dingy room . I feel so claustrophobic inside. It feels like a big red cross mark at the dead end of a long and never-ending tunnel.


There are words but no meaning. Notes but no music. Its like my heart is singing “I walk this empty street on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone...I walk alone...I walk alone”


I feel clogged up. Held back by my own desires . Drained out of my blood , my own poison , My own creativity. But after sometime I accept this stage of uncontrollable darkness. Complacency is the word for this feeling. I feel like I can live with it. Like I can make new dreams out of this NEW BLACK and spin them around and make them work .


THEN you come along.


You tell me to snap out of this lulled reverie , to get REAL , to live it up. Indirectly you were telling me to get a LIFE!


I feel bad , dejected.
But then I realize that you are right because WRITING is my life and without it I am lifeless…Without it I am lost in an ocean ,drowning in fear just waiting and hoping to be rescued.


But I got saved.


I was the lucky one.I saw light again after darkness. I saw the BREAKING DAWN.

The music of life

I don’t remember the time. I don’t remember the day. I don’t even remember the words. I don’t remember the smile . I don’t remember the scene. I remember the place. I remember the hugs. I remember the I miss yous. I remember that feeling scared.i remember thinking whether I would be able to survive without this. I remember thinking whether there was life after THIS. I remembered calling you my bestfriend for life. I remember the last look. I remember remembering this was the last time here. I don’t know where I was going. All I knew I was going away from you. Way to far away for me to reach out. Way to far away for a mid night call , for smiles over phones , for early morning hugs and for late night”wish you were here” . I knew the music of my life was going to change. But I never knew that the transition from rock to slow jazz would be that hurting


Music , music of life changed everything . my thinking , my words , my feelings , my looks , my smiles , my entire meaning of happiness.


Now I stay with all I ever knew gone, Washed away in the flow of time. The past is gone .my eyes search for you even though I know you are not there for anything. Nothing . it’s all empty now. The party is over guys. The music has ended, the music of LIFE has ended.

Happiness

Happiness is probably not having everything you want. It is probably liking at some point of time everything you have.

It takes time to adapt to changes, but once those changes start getting old and you start accepting them rather than running away .Even they can make you pretty complacent. Maybe because somewhere in the back of your heart you know that you can’t change whatever has happened how much you want to.

You start feeling like this is the reality. All other memories feel so far away and different from the present ones that you start doubting yourself whether it was even reality you lived in. Those faraway times feel like dreams. They look so real, every piece in its perfect place but somehow like dreams you can’t touch them or feel them and it seems like your mind just conjured up these images to remind you how bad the latest times were.

But when you start getting all cozy in the present they become more and more distant….more faraway.
But still every time you think of them you just wish you could go back just once to feel how you felt and to remind you that yes that WAS “my reality”….